Letter To Professor Song

Dear Professor Song,

 

Given the recent release of a massive shit from my bowels into my toilet bowl, I cannot possibly give any less of a shit about your class. Allow me to elaborate.

 

Last night at five minutes to twelve, my stomach gratuitously informed me — through extensive use (and in my opinion, overkill) of nerve signals — that, for lack of a better phrase, "nature calls." You can imagine my utter dismay — I was almost done proofreading my paper on the importance of pipe traps.

 

The entire affair only escalated from there. I reached the toilet with mere seconds to spare before an ungodly amount of excrement exited my body. Contrary to what my gut had me believe a moment earlier, I was not due on the toilet seat for a regular weeknight dump, but one of those never-ending rounds of defecation that only happen once in a blue moon (or twice, if you've ever tried our cafeteria's salad). For this reason, I was unable to complete the semester paper, as my excursion to the bathroom took me from roughly midnight to half-past three.

 

But I digress. The point of this email is to direct your attention to the lack of structural integrity in our plumbing system. Trust me, you have not experienced true horror until you hear the guttural growls of your very own toilet bowl after flushing down a titanic proportion of night soil. I will spare you an account of the horrific events that ensued, but I'm sure you heard the police sirens last night when they were investigating reports of an explosion and a potential "bomb" threat.

 

Despite being in the nation's most prestigious university for civil and mechanical engineering, the fact that its plumbing system remains woefully inadequate to cope with true emergencies has led me to the decision that I will no longer be taking your course nor will I be pursuing civil engineering anymore.

 

I am currently in the medical wing recovering from a concussion and three fractured bones. If you have any questions, I would be more than happy to answer them as soon as my attending doctor prescribes me some painkillers.

 

Best regards,

Amy